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Online Journalist Breaks Fourth Wall, Writes in 2nd Person

Hi there. How are you doing? Haven’t seen you in awhile.

Gotta wonder why you’re reading this, to be honest. Did it crop up in one of your social feeds? Did you stumble on it with a random Google search? Did your mom forward it to you in an email (because, moms)?

There’s not much to say to you here. You may have noticed that the interpersonal skills of a journalist are somewhat atrophied, given that they spend most of their days at a desk typing. You’d think that the journalism profession would’ve evolved as the internet did, but no, it’s basically the same as it ever was (cue the Talking Heads). Touch-typing or hunt-and-peck, the interface between you and the author of this piece – a phrase used by journalists in reference to themselves to maintain the illusion of objectivity – is basically the same. Sure, screens instead of paper, electrons instead of ink, routers and CAT-6 cable instead of big industrial machines with rollers and cutters. Still, it’s all pretty much the same.

But sometimes a journalist just needs to feel like there’s a connection with her audience. (“Her” being the empowered everywoman, of course – just wanted to clarify, given that the author of this piece is a cis male, albeit an obviously enlightened one as the deliberate pronoun choice indicates.) Okay, yes, Twitter and Facebook and even Instagram and the ability to comment on posts – uh, articles – gives you more access than ever to the people writing the news, whether fake or true-but-misleading or otherwise. Some even have YouTube accounts, but as the saying goes, most journalists have a face for blogging.

Wow, this piece has really rambled on, eh? It’s a wonder you’re still reading it. Don’t worry, it’s short. In a few minutes this reporter – another phrase used to insinuate objective distance – will go back to tapping on a keyboard and swilling from a bottle of booze hidden in the bottom drawer (that part of journalism also hasn’t changed with the Digital Revolution). The drinking is commensurate with the loneliness; it has nothing to do with the medium.

Of course, it could always be worse. This reporter could be a freelancer. Here, have a toast to small blessings.

Anyway, you probably need to get on with something else. A Kardashian or Trump did something and you need to know about it, right? You’ve already spent more time reading this drivel than you typically spend on the average random clickbait. Hope your day gets better from here.

Thanks for stopping by.