Press "Enter" to skip to content

AWKWARD: Christ, Quetzalcoatl Return at Same Time

Somebody upstairs made a scheduling error, and it’s wreaking all kinds of havoc here in the mortal realm. For anyone who is unaware of why the rivers are flowing with blood, the sun is hidden by a doom-laden darkness, and pestilence is reigning o’er the land, we now have an answer.

Yesterday at about 2:36pm, deities from two ancient religions suddenly appeared in the heavens at the exact same time. From that moment on, apocalypse has been a blissful dream for those who did not die instantaneously from shock, geological catastrophe, or secondary aftereffects like crashed vehicles and falling buildings.

The first deity is fairly well known to Westerners as Jesus Christ. He first appeared a little more than 2,000 years ago as a wandering prophet in the Middle East. After a rocky start, his teachings amassed a wide following, and since then Christianity has grown to become one of the world’s largest religions – although some flavors of it seem incompatible with others, but that is not for this reporter to judge.

The second deity is somewhat less known today, the Mesoamerican feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl. He is at least as old as Christ, though his beginnings are a bit more of a mystery to history. While his outer serpentine form may unnerve some modern people, adherents of Quetalzcoatlism have assured the world that their deity is just as warm and kind-hearted as Jesus on the inside.

However well-meaning and pleasantly disposed either deity might be, the scheduling foul-up has nonetheless left the world in something of a mess. It’s one thing to double-book a conference room at an office. But to simultaneously create two existential crises among the world’s population, attended by massive death and destruction, is another thing entirely.

Since the original appearance, there has been something of a stalemate. Christ keeps turning his head around in midair, as though talking to someone behind him (his father, perhaps?) that nobody on Earth can see. Quetzalcoatl, on the other hand, keeps slither-flying around the globe and darting his tongue out of his mouth, an action which has been variously described as agitated, angry and apologetic – in some cases by the same commentators.

The Mormons, needless to say, are completely baffled, considering that many of them had believed Christ and Quetzalcoatl to be one and the same.

At this time, there is no clear direction from politicians and religious leaders about what steps to take ness. Many of those that have not been confirmed dead are nonetheless incommunicado, presumably hiding in bunkers or under beds like the rest of us. In fact, the only major religious figure who has made any comment about the current situation is the Dalai Lama.

“Well,” he tweeted yesterday shortly after the dual-deity revelation, “looks like we were all wrong.”


Image: Quetzlcoatl image courtesy of Eddo