Black Friday and Cyber Monday are poised to break records, according to spending reports issued by various commercial and government sources. However, the question everyone really wants the answer to is: How does all that spending translate into gifts for yours truly?
Augurs have set themselves to figuring out this very question, and now they believe they have an answer. Using entrails from the 184 birds mentioned in the repetitive gift-giving anthem “The 12 Days of Christmas,” high-level prophets from the American Society for Augury & Portentery (ASAP) have discovered that prospects for receiving suitable presents during this year’s holiday season are slightly above average.
“We have seen the future, and it is adequate,” announced ASAP President Kenrick Wigglesworth in a blog post on the organization’s website. “All signs point to a modest uptick in gifts received over last year. However, there is a slight chance of corresponding dips in quality and thoughtfulness,” Wigglesworth added.
While the group typically steers away from describing the particulars of its soothsaying craft, Wigglesworth did point to some specific indicators to support ASAP’s reading of the near future. “Several partridge kidneys emitted a distinctly sweet smell, indicating generally favorable conditions over the next few months. The calling bird livers, however, were a little fatty on the whole, indicating that the quality of presents might be somewhat diminished.”
As far as determining the number of gifts each person will receive on average this year, ASAP prophets counted stones in turtle dove gizzards. They found a slightly above-average number of stones in the gizzards this year, when compared with data going back to the 1940s when the group was founded.
The group is quick to note that individual results may vary widely. Their methods can only forecast general trends from season to season. People who want to know their specific outcomes ahead of time should consult a certified psychic or clairvoyant.