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George Lucas Dies of Midi-Chlorian Recurrence

In a sad and unexpected final act twist, George Lucas passed away today of a recurrence of metastatic diffuse squamous-cell adenomidi-chlorianoma. This rare malignancy causes memory lapses, faulty judgment, delusions of grandeur, and an intense compulsion to fiddle with things that are better left unfiddled-with.

Lucas was diagnosed with the condition in 1999, shortly after the release of his arthouse film about a young boy rescued from a human trafficking ring, though some believe the midi-chlorians were affecting his editorial prowess as early as January 1997. While he openly discussed his disease publicly for some time after it was initially discovered, in recent years Lucas has led a reclusive life on his ranch in Northern California.

According to the scientific and medical literature, midi-chlorians are microscopic creatures that infest all living beings. Fortunately, concentrations of the parasites are so low in most people that they never develop any symptoms. However, about 1 out of every 7 billion people manifest signs of severe midi-chlorian invasion.

Ancient documents report the onetime existence of a test that could measure levels of midi-chlorian infestation in the body. Unfortunately, details about how to administer and analyze such a test have not survived to the present day. No midi-chlorians have actually been observed by modern scientists, but the theory of their existence is so solid that – well, let’s just say it’s super solid.

Born in Modesto, California, Lucas was a car enthusiast and filmmaker best known for the movies THX 1138, American Graffiti, and of course, the Indiana Jones series. The most recent installment of the latter, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008), demonstrated the severe degradation of his abilities caused by the midi-chlorians. While Lucas has been listed as a producer in sequels to some his previous films, he took a backseat in day-to-day development for the last decade or so. Most recently he contributed to the stories of Strange Magic (2015) and yet another Indiana Jones flick scheduled for release in 2019.

Lucas was 74 years old.