It’s official: Anonymous sources inside the Irish Department of Good Fortune have confirmed that the country has finally run out of luck. This unfortunate depletion comes just one day after the annual worldwide commemoration honoring St. Patrick, the fifth century missionary and bishop who is said to have driven snakes out of Ireland and a waged a genocidal campaign against four-leaf clovers for violating his Trinitarian metaphor.
Dr. Seamus O’Shannon, Sidhe Professor of Extramundane Economics at the National University of Ireland Galway, says exhaustion of the country’s reserve of luck is a hapless circumstance. “It’s our most beloved export. The international community has always turned to us when down on their own luck. What’re we gonna to give ’em now?”
While some have been warning about the potential exhaustion of Ireland’s most well-known natural resource after sheep and shamrocks, most people have ignored the doomsayers. Now, however, there is no denying that the lucky streak once enjoyed by all Irish folk is at an end.
While the cause of this exhaustion of luck is still unknown, a few theories are being bandied about on social media and the press. Some believe that this year’s St. Patrick’s Day celebrations went overboard, leading to an unprecedented demand that the country could not meet. Others blame Brexit.
The full effects are still unknown, but some of the consequences of a luckless Ireland include:
- Rain without rainbows
- Pots containing no gold
- Increased leprechaun suicide rates
- Even more losses by the Boys in Green
Whether or not the “luck o’ the Irish” will ever return remains to be seen. Nobody has ever been quite sure where the Irish got their luck, and no one is quite sure whether there was a fixed supply or if it will regenerate.
Still, some people choose to remain hopeful that luck will return to the Emerald Isle. Dr. O’Shannon is one of those.
“Who knows,” he said. “Maybe we’ll get lucky.”