In an expected move yesterday, Elon Musk wished the entire U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) to The Cornfield.
“They harbored ill-intentioned thoughts toward me,” Musk said of the now defunct agency. “That wasn’t very empathetic of them. They were bad, bad men.”
Before being banished, the USDA was responsible for providing resources and assistance to farms, ranches, and other agriculture-related efforts.
Ironically, it also managed corn subsidies.
“The punishment was designed to fit the crime,” Musk continued in his statement. “If they had been nicer to me, I would have considered sending them to El Salvador.”
No evidence of alleged criminal activity by the USDA has been released by Musk or his Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) team.
The overwhelming majority of beneficiaries of USDA assistance are farmers and ranchers in red states. When asked why President Trump was willing to allow this economic harm to come to areas that supported him, he had little to say.
“It was a good, good thing he did,” Trump said between rounds of golf at his Mar-a-Lago estate in Florida. “A very good thing. Swell, even. Musk is a good boy.”
Speculation has arisen on Twitter (retconned as “X”) over exactly which cornfield the USDA was sent to.
One keyboard globetrotter thought he discovered the agency’s new location and tweeted the coordinates. However, satellite imagery only showed a corn maze of pop singer Rick Astley’s face.
Even Jose Monkey could locate the USDA’s whereabouts.
When asked whether Musk was considering sending any other agencies to The Cornfield, he snapped at the press.
“You all need to stop harboring evil thoughts about me,” he said. “Or maybe I will do the same thing to you!”
