Press "Enter" to skip to content

The Mountain Flings Green New Deal Into Senate Stapled to Sen. Inhofe’s Head

On Friday morning, just before work began for the day, the Senate floor was disturbed by the sudden appearance of an extremely large man at the entrance. Without speaking, the man heaved what turned out to be the decapitated head of Senator Jim Mountain Inhofe (R-OK) in the direction of the dais. Witnesses say the head arced about two-thirds of the way across the Senate chamber before bouncing several times and then rolling unevenly to a rest at the base of the podium.

“The chamber was quieter than I’ve ever seen it,” remarked a staffer who asked to remain anonymous. “The security guards just stood there, stunned. It’s like they had no idea what to do. It’s a good thing the big guy didn’t have a gun or a bomb or something – he could’ve taken out the whole Senate with barely any resistance.”

The large man was later identified as Gregor Clegane, the head of House Clegane and a well-known warrior. Called “The Mountain” because of his massive size, Clegane has been implicated in some of the most heinous political scandals in modern times, including the Abu Ghraib torture incident, Vincent Foster’s mysterious death, and Watergate. Ironically, Sen. Inhofe was also sometimes called Mountain, which is his middle name.

The object that the Mountain threw into the Senate was not identified until after he left. “We were all just dumbfounded at what happened. Then, I heard a scream and looked down to see one of Senator [Rand] Paul’s (R-KY) interns holding what appeared to be a severed head.”

The head, of course, belonged to Senator Inhofe, a long-time member of Congress and, until this morning, chair of the Senate Armed Services Committee. Even more disturbing for many in attendance – at least, on the Republican side of the aisle – was the document crudely stapled to Senator Inhofe’s forehead: a copy of the Green New Deal Resolution introduced by Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) in the House of Representatives on Thursday.

While many questions are still being asked about this morning’s events, consensus seems to be that Sen. Inhofe was targeted for this, uh, particular method of delivery due to his frequent skeptical remarks about global warming. Dubbed one of the most prominent climate change deniers, Sen. Inhofe has often criticized left-leaning colleagues and other groups for their calls to increase regulations on greenhouse emissions and other environmental legislation. In 2016, he famously claimed his grandson was being brainwashed at school into believing the existence of anthropogenic global warming.

What is still unknown, however, is who sent Clegane to deliver this grisly message to the Senate. Some have speculated that Rep. Ocasio-Cortez – referred to as AOC by both supporters and detractors – commissioned the Mountain as a demonstration of the recently awakened interest in politics by Millennials. Others believe that progressive Super PACs were behind the whole thing and chose Clegane to heighten awareness and enjoin younger voters through the use of spectacle.

In a statement to the press, however, AOC denied any involvement in the gruesome proceedings and claimed she had never met Clegane or any of his liegemen. During the question and answer period, she deflected questions about the Senate incident, turning instead to talking points on her Green New Deal. One moment turned icy when a reporter asked how the Green New Deal would be paid for. AOC stared coolly at the journalist and said, “A socialist always pays her debts – by printing new money.”