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Thanos Apologizes for Insensitive Remarks About Ashed Beings

After facing a barrage of criticism on social media and in the press, Thanos has issued a statement, through his management company, apologizing for a set of insensitive remarks he made about the half of all living creatures he turned to ash with his Infinity Gauntlet.

“I regret the thoughtless and cold-hearted statements I made after simultaneously turning half of all sentient beings into a flurry of cinders,” Thanos wrote in his statement. “I had not considered the feelings of those who were left behind by my act of semimation. Going forward, I promise to employ empathy and compassion when talking about the apocalypse-level extermination I engendered.”

The statement also provided some explanation about the intergalactic autocrat’s reasoning behind the use of the Infinity Gauntlet to cull half of all living beings from reality. In particular, he focused on the Malthusian nightmare of an increasingly crowded universe, in which the rich get richer, the poor get poorer, and the rest remain mired in an asymptotically diminishing middle class. While most remaining economists have argued that Thanos’s approach to the alleged inequities was extreme, New York Times columnist Paul Krugman praised the regulatory action as an effective method of restoring purchasing power to the people and stimulating intergalactic trade.

Beyond the dubious economic claims, many other critics took Thanos to task, calling his statement little more than a post hoc public relations stunt. “This has the stench of a pre-planned reputation management campaign,” wrote one twitter user. “Thanos should be ashamed of himself.”

Unfortunately, Thanos appears not to have experienced any shame from the event. “The silver lining in all this,” Thanos tweeted shortly after issuing his statement, “is that I could’ve had twice as many people pissed off at me.” While the tweet garnered a few likes and retweets, a flurry of responses cascaded on him like the ashes of those who are no longer with us.