New evidence suggests that mistborn children have a much higher incidence of autism than the general public. This according to recent statements by U.S. Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.
“We’ve seen an alarming increase in the rates of autism in recent years,” he rasped to reporters and others forced to listen to his gravelly voice. “It’s clear there’s an environmental cause.”
“Children who breathe in dangerous mist when they’re born are far more likely to develop autism,” Secretary Kennedy claimed. “The mist goes right to their brains and eats away at their thinky-noodles.”
In response to follow-up questions about the science behind brain-eating mist, he stated, “I’ve had a lot of experience with that sort of thing, believe it or not.”
When it was pointed out that being mistborn is actually a genetic trait, and has nothing to do with the conditions around one’s birth, RFK Jr. dismissed the claims as pedantic drivel.
“How do you explain all the mist, then?” he asked the crowd. “Where did all the mist come from?”
Asked about which mist he was referring to, Secretary Kennedy shouted, “MIST! MIST!”
A woman passing by behind him stopped and asked, “Yes?”
Given the alleged link between mistorn children and autism, RFK Jr. said he is working with medical doctors and metallurgy experts to produce solutions that will cure the condition.
“First we’re going to give autistic children cadmium tinctures to slow down progression of the disease,” RFK Jr. explained. “This works because cadmium is a very heavy metal. It makes it hard for them to move.”
Cadmium can build up in a person’s body leading to cadmium poisoning, a serious condition that can cause anemia, kidney failure, and ultimately, death.
“Then, we’ll prescribe a suspension of Wood’s metal to strengthen their natural healing abilities,” RFK Jr. continued.
Wood’s metal is an alloy containing cadmium and lead, another known toxin. It also contains tin and bismuth, a heavy metal whose effects on the body are less well known.
When asked if he was possibly confusing autism and allomancy, Secretary Kennedy mumbled, “Another made up disease? Where do you all come up with this shit?”
