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Trump: Coronavirus First Line of Defense Against Alien Attack

As the novel coronavirus and its resulting disease (COVID-19) have continued to spread around the world, President Donald Trump has largely taken a stance of denial, dismissal, and derision. Since the pandemic began, he has tweeted almost daily with sometimes barely comprehensible statements denouncing anyone and everyone who suggests we may be in for a bigger public health issue than originally considered.

However, in his latest tweetstorm, the president appears to have changed tactics. Now, he is suggesting that the coronavirus is actually a preventative measure against alien attack.

Initially, it was unclear whether the president meant aliens from outerspace, as opposed to undocumented workers from other countries. The distinction became clear, however, by the end of his barrage of 240-character posts on the bird-themed social media platform.

“CoronaVirus and CoVid-Nineteen will keep the Undesirables out of the Greatest Country in the Galaxy. BiologiCal Defense!” the orange-haired commander-in-chief rage-twote.

As personalities, pundits, and part-time prognosticators prepared postulations about the president’s point, he pontificated again:

“We need be strong against the Aliens who will want to Invade us and take our jobs. No more welfare for offworlders. Make Andromeda Great Again!”

A number of responses asked if he meant Milky Way rather than Andromeda, but the president did not reply to their questions. Others pointed out that if any aliens are actually planning to invade us, they would more likely to originate from planets closer to home, rather than far-away galaxies like Andromeda.

The president continued his tweetstorm with the suggestion that some of the first individuals to die from complications related to COVID-19 were actually aliens disguised as humans. He also indicated that the reason coronavirus appears to affect old people more than younger people is because its easier for aliens to camouflage themselves as older humans than younger ones.

“Aliens look old. They’re so Wrinkly and old-looking. They look like Betty White and the diabeetus guy. No real Humans have actually died from Coronavirus. Fake News!”

Recently, rumors surfaced that a younger staffer recently inserted a broadcast from the classic Orson Welles radio adaptation of The War of the Worlds. A science fiction novel originally written by H. G. Wells, War of the Worlds tells the story of martians who invaded earth, causing panic and mayhem. The invaders ultimately are defeated by a pathogen against which they had not developed any immune response. Sources close to the president neither confirmed nor denied that this was the source of his tweets about the present coronavirus.

Unlike the classic sci-fi tale, the president’s tweets suggest that the coronavirus was actually developed by DARPA researchers as part of an ongoing biological warfare experimentation program.

“That DARPA, they really really know their stuff,” the president tweeted. “They have the best Scientists over there. They do the best science of all the science people I know.”

When asked to comment on the veracity of the president’s tweets, DARPA Director Steven Walker just glared silently in response.