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Chris Tolkien Hires Gringotts to Guard Dad’s Papers

In a move that some members of the Tolkien Estate’s Board of Trustees have called “meh” and “well, that’s Chris,” Christopher Tolkien – J. R. R. Tolkien’s youngest son and literary executor – has dismissed the troop of orcs that once guarded his father’s papers at the Bodleian Library.

The news comes after reports of “inexplicably rude behavior” and the alleged disappearance of a scrap of paper which might once have contained an illegibly written word in faint pencil that likely described an entirely new story concept not yet revealed in the 47 volumes of Tolkien writings that have been published since his death.

Although the orcs were not blamed directly, the timing is certainly circumstantial. A custodian is also wanted for questioning.

In place of the orc troop, a contract has been signed with the Oxenford branch of Gringotts to protect the bulk of his father’s papers at the Bodleian, Christopher said in a statement released to the press. This change in security vendor does not affect the papers held at Marquette University in the United States, which are still guarded by septuagenarian Pinkertons with oversized revolvers and unspecified elvish magic.

Noted Tolkien scholar Pebbles Barrellarse thinks the move is a good one. “Gringotts goblins are a very different breed,” he explained, “much more refined and well behaved. The orcs that were previously guarding the Tolkien papers were from a tribe of well-known troublemakers in Ered Bastarduin, which translates to the Scoundrel Mountains, and itself comes from an earlier term for the—” We hung up on him at that point.

When asked for a comment on the story, Peter Jackson replied, “How many movies do you think we could get out of this?”