The Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) announced today at a press conference that its failure to win the War on Drugs after nearly 50 years is primarily due to inaccurate reports provided by its Precognitive Division. Acting Administrator Uttam Dhillon blamed the law enforcement agency’s precogs in his opening remarks.
“Our efforts have been stymied at every turn by our own lack of foreknowledge,” Dhillon said. “When the Precog Division was established, a lot of faith was put in their ability to accurately see the future. However, the results have not lived up to the promises, and we are now reassessing our plans for the future of the division.”
Formed in 1982, nine years after the DEA was created by the Controlled Substances Act, the Precognitive Division was initially intended to supplement the investigative work by the DEA’s primary agent force. Over the years, however, reliance on the division’s reports has steadily increased even though precog staffing levels have remained stagnant since the Reagan Administration. Now, Acting Administrator Dhillon wants to change things.
When asked about the future of the Precog Division, the acting administrator said he was not looking to shut it down. “I will be asking Congress for emergency funds to overhaul the Precog Division and bring it into the 21st century,” Dhillon said. “No more punch cards and mainframe computers. We will install 5G wireless broadband connections and use cloud technology to process the incoherent babbling of our precogs.”
The acting administrator is also looking to clean house. “We need precogs who can agree on what the future is,” Dhillon explained. “No more of these minority reports that make everyone second-guess themselves. Our field agents need to be confident when going on a no-knock raid that there actually are drugs in whatever building they’re sent to.”
The acting administrator also said he was working with the heads of the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA), the National Security Agency (NSA) and the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) to identify and procure precogs from around the world for training and habituation. When asked how he was “procuring” such precogs, Dhillon waved his hand and muttered, “Eminent domain” as he turned away.